What Holds Us Back?

I’m at the start of a new film project.

There have been no clips taken yet, I’m really right at the start, the development phase.

And last week, it started feeling bigger than me.

And that’s where I spiralled.

This is new territory for me. This project feels very precious and I’d love to get it out there. But the questioning internal voices started to really chip away at my confidence.

I spoke to my filmmaking mentor Amanda Bluglass last week, and she encouraged me to write down the stuff that’s holding me back. Get it all out, put them in a box, and then get back to why I want to make this in the first place, and to tell the story.

It helped. And I wanted to get them out here as it my in some way help you too. We are not alone in these thoughts!

So what are the things that hold us back? Let’s start with a big dose of imposter syndrome…

People think I’m more competent than I am, I’m going to get found out

My past successes have been down to luck

I haven’t got the best equipment, and my skills aren’t up to scratch

I can’t do this by myself, I need to build a team. How do I build a team?

I’ll wait until the time is right (and when will that be?!)

I haven’t got enough experience

Over the past few weeks, I have been through all of the above a number of times. If I waited for everything to align, I would never start. So I’m going on amber because I don’t think it will ever be green!

The gap may feel wide at the start, but it will get smaller.

I’m also trying to treat my imposter with kindness. To think about some of my past achievements, and to write them down. I wouldn’t speak to a friend like I speak to myself, I’d celebrate their successes!

I need to remember that some films have been made on mobile phones. So always to bring it back to the story. Emotional depth over equipment any day.

*Disclaimer here - I am just about to upgrade my camera, but I have taken my other one to the limits!!

I think in general that we all can place too much emphasis pondering on what other people will think of our work and that we place too many outcomes on a finished piece/project.

And that we need to take results out of the equation, and dig into the process. I think this deserves its own stand alone blog post, so I’m going to be writing about this over the next few weeks.

I’m going to document the making of this film in my newsletter which you can join here if you’d like to follow along.

If I keep bringing it back to what is at the heart of this film, and I can tell it with empathy with that sense of hope and resilience, that’s enough.

See you here again soon. Thanks for reading.

The Unthanks

‘Can you see if you’ve got a pound in your bag??’

I uttered these words rather frantically as we drove into the depths of the Tyne Tunnel. There was a sign as we entered saying that the exact amount was needed. I was coming in at £2.70 found in the collection of car change I keep in the water holder (alongside the odd Werthers Original sweet wrapper). We were down a quid. I remember from the last time me and Suze drove through that there’s no card payment option, and nobody sitting cheerily in a kiosk waiting for their palms to be crossed with silver. So it was down to my travelling companion Matt to rifle through the multitude of pockets in his bag. I swear there was a glint from the coin as Matt held it aloft!

With the drama of the tunnel behind us, we pulled into Cullercoats, a small North Eastern coastal town, and we breathed a deep sigh as we took first sight of the bay and the ebbing tide. Matt may have been disappointed that he hadn’t seen The Angel Of The North (I did promise but we turned off just before she majestically looms above the A1), but thankfully he didn’t hold it against me!

After scouting a couple of locations, we grabbed a cup of tea in the sun outside a seafront cafe, and shortly after, we were joined by the smiling faces of Rachel and Becky. We were here to take photos for The Unthanks and their upcoming tour and album. Me behind the camera, and Matt bringing his lighting wizardry. He also took all of the behind the scenes shots that this blog is peppered with.

The North East light and landscape provided the perfect backdrop.

We based ourselves close to the shore for most of the day, and found some local landmarks to shoot in and around too. As we tested the lights, I think Matt was planning his Unthanks audition tape!

A few moments later…

There was singing, and there were seals. We watched the ships as they queued for the tide to rise before making their journey down The Tyne. Away from these metal giants, we spotted a pod of dolphins heading north.

As we walked around taking images, I noticed this colourful underpass, and thought it would make a great backdrop.

I loved creating this underpass collection, and this image above was used to promote the Sorrows Away tour.

As the sun was leaving the sky, painting it with saffron streaks, we took a few down in the bay where Adrian (pianist and producer) came to join us too.

The Unthanks music reaches into your heart and pulls on the stories hidden there, into the dust the light and the shadows. If you haven’t heard their beauty yet, you are in for a treat.

I’ve had the pleasure of working with them a couple of times. You can see and read about creating images for their Mount The Air album here.

A couple of weeks ago, the new album arrived in the post. Straight on the turntable it went, and I’d highly recommend Sorrows Away, what a feast for the senses. Inside the album on the lyrics sheet, one of my photos. And within that image, the memories of a lovely creative day.

And I’ve nearly got to the end without mentioning Matt’s infamous recovery dance down the slippery rocks. A move I called the seaweed shuffle! Let’s just say, he has skills. Thanks for everything Matt, you’re a star.